The Dark Side Of Game Development

This is the story of a dream come true. Uh my dream of making indie games from my bedroom and how it all eventually turned me into a lonely, frustrated, depressed monster. Stick around and I'll tell you my story and hopefully you'll learn how to avoid the dark side of gamedev. Mutation number one, the maturation paradox. I had done it. My first commercial game was kickstarted. Sure, there was a long road ahead to finishing the game. I had to do beta testing. I had to ensure there weren't any bugs when we launched on Steam. I had to port to console. I had to partner with my publisher and put together an extensive marketing plan. But at least the game was halfway done, right? So I thought. Here's the thing. Growing as an artist, as a developer, as a composer, as a game developer, it's kind of a [music] paradox. Growing means that the game you created 2 months ago kind of sucks. [music] At least in your eyes. So, after the 30-day Kickstarter campaign for my

game, I remember that sinking feeling sitting alone in my home office. I hated my game. I was determined to basically start the game over. I had to. It was kind of a compulsion. [music] And feature after feature were scrapped and recreated over and over and over again because I was constantly growing and becoming better. Mutation number two, diminishing highs. So, I'm probably depressing you by now, but stick around to the end of the video cuz I will discuss the cure to these mutations. You know that feeling when you master something? It feels amazing. You're kind of self-impressed. [music] It's kind of like a high. You've figured out your way around Unity or Unreal. You've completed Unity's Course. Maybe you've written a kick butt piece of music for your menu. [music] Or you've finished your enemies and they're super fun to kill. It's an addicting feeling [music] mastering something and you pursue it kind of like a drug. Well, because of the first mutation, you hate the work you made a day before. So, that high of mastering more and more elements of game

development begins to diminish. After 10 to 15 years of diminishing highs, I'm now at a point where I'm rarely self-impressed. In fact, I'm kind of self-sabotaging. I'm in a constant state of regret about yesterday's work. Yet, I'm always pursuing that high. In fact, it's become a problem for me as a father. Instead of leaving the office feeling satisfied, I leave the office feeling defeated, and I spend the rest of the night in my head trying to solve a problem, fix a bug, or tighten the gameplay element, as opposed to genuinely spending time with my kids. Mutation number three, the numbers trap. So, this is where you become the person you swore you'd never become, the businessman. [music] You're constantly thinking about staying afloat. game sale events, marketing, [music] creating more games that are more profitable and more commercially viable. Keeping your business afloat becomes your reason for making games. Your [music] entire mode of operation acts like a black hole, devouring your energy, your motivation,

your love for the craft, and worst of all, your family. Mutation number four, the identity collapse. No matter what you pursue, if you pursue it too hard, it's going to become your identity. Let me know in the comments how many of you view yourselves through a lens of identity. If you do, what is that lens? Let me know. Maybe you say, "I'm a game developer." Or, "I'm a coder. I'm an entrepreneur. I'm an artist." Sure, this can be a reasonable thing for you to say, but not when you pursue it too hard because eventually that identity is everything. And then you learn something devastating. That identity does not [music] satisfy. Now, I know it's hard to believe, but reaching this island, this destination of becoming a full-time game developer, it doesn't feel good for long. It's like anything. Let's say you're really hungry and that pizza finally arrives at your door. After five slices, you're on to the next thing. What if that pizza was your identity? [music] You're the guy that loves pizza. You're pizza man. You are a mouth. Give me pizza. Pizza.

Pizza. Pizza. Then you eat it and you're satisfied. Now, who are you? You're no one. The same is true with your career. Mutation number five. I've looked [music] worse. Believe me. Rebirth. Mischief. Matter. Okay. So, here I am a monster. Well, not really. Uh, that was true a couple months ago. Then I just gave up. Right now, I'm at a good point where [music] the suffering of constantly pursuing highs from making games and making money and getting prestige, [music] it's just not worth it to me. Now, I just want to make great games, great videos, and great resources for you [music] guys. This change didn't happen overnight, and I'm sure I'll struggle with the residue of these mutations [music] for a long time. So, should you quit your dream of making indie games? No, not at all. That's not what I'm saying. I want you to keep pursuing [music] making games as a full-time developer. But here's what you need to do about each mutation. [music] For mutation number one, the maturation paradox, every week you grow as a developer, but every week you're going

to hate what you made previously, [music] right? The solution here is to remember the price of your game. At the end of the day, you're making a game that's the price of a Big Mac meal with a large McFlurry. [music] Don't overvalue your game in your mind. It's okay if it's flawed. [music] Now, this relates to mutation number two, which is diminishing highs. You're constantly pursuing a high and ego boost from your work. [music] The answer here is to just know that this high is going to go away. You need to budget for it emotionally. Plan on [music] it. know that eventually getting high off your work is a losing battle. Instead, see your game as a product. [music] It's kind of like the answer to number one. See it as a project that needs to be completed to make some money for your family. Of [music] course, this solution may cause problems with the next mutation, which is the numbers trap. The numbers trap, sadly, is almost unavoidable. It's almost impossible to convince anyone that isn't currently making money that money isn't that great. All I can say here is what Jim Carrey [music] said. And by the way, what Jim is about to say is actually a

solution to mutation number four, which is the identity collapse. Because ultimately, we are not the avatars we create. We are not the pictures on the film stock. We are the light that shines through. All else is just smoke and mirrors, distracting, but not truly compelling. I've often said that I wished people could realize all their dreams in wealth and fame and so that they could see that it's not where you're going to find your [music] sense of completion. I hope this video was helpful and that you avoid the mistakes [music] that I've made. And remember, I want you to continue your dream of making indie games full-time. That's awesome and I want you to succeed. I just want you to do it differently than I did and do it with right thinking.